> A senior at Alabama was overheard saying... "When the end of the world > comes, I hope to be in Alabama." > > When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything > happens in Alabama 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized > world. > > ======================================== > > An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper > asked, "Got any ID?" > > The driver replied, "Bout whut?" > > ======================================== > > A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for > the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under > the weight of an eight-point buck. > > "Where's Henry?" the others asked. > > "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the > trail," the successful hunter replied. > > "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they > inquired. > > "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to > steal Henry!" > > ======================================== > > The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his > buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking > lot!" > > Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? > > "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license > number." > > ======================================== > > NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small > two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Auburn University students, > crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have > recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging > continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are > helping in the recovery efforts. > > ======================================== > > A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, > and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one > behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. > > A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he > turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. > > The man replied, "I have a flat tire." > > The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" > > The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in > the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either." > > ====================================== > > The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an > invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. > He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The > University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you > $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" > > The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my > earrings." > > You gotta love those Alabama women.
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osamabin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
__________________
"Life when here is gone tomorrow.
The only way to know is die,
then to reveal its convenient lie"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo ****. Someone has stolen tent."
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you what...that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
Superman was watching porno movies one night and all of the sudden he got horney. He put on his cape and flew out the window and as he was flying above the roof tops he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back naked with her legs straight up and spread. So Superman stops in mid air and thinks about it a bit and then all the sudden he flies down and pow pow pow and flies off. Wonder Woman gets up and say's "What the hell was that"?. The Invisable Man gets up and says "I don't know but it tore my ass up bad!".
__________________
"Life when here is gone tomorrow.
The only way to know is die,
then to reveal its convenient lie"
little johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SHIT! johnny askes "What does that mean?" his mother says " oh that means putting on makeup"
little johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys johnny askes "what does that mean" and they said "it means hats and coats"
little johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word FUCK! johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means"stuffing the turkey" then there was a knock on the door. johnny opens it . his aunt and uncle were there. johnny says to them " here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting **** on her face and dad's in the kitchen Fucking the turkey!
__________________
"Life when here is gone tomorrow.
The only way to know is die,
then to reveal its convenient lie"
Little johnny sees his grandfather smoking and asks can he try. The old man says can you touch your ass with your dick yet? No says johnny. Then you can't have some says his grandad. Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he cant as he can touch his ass with his dick yet. later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,"can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" Why of course i can replies the grandfather. Johnny then said THEN GO AND F**K YOURSELF!
__________________
"Life when here is gone tomorrow.
The only way to know is die,
then to reveal its convenient lie"
*Alabama* *Arkansas* *Oklahoma* *Texas* *North Carolina* *South Carolina* *Georgia* *Tennessee* *Mississippi* *Louisiana* *Virginia* *West Virginia* *Kentucky* *&parts of Florida Nice Ass, Get in the truck*
JOKES!!! > > SIR: Inday, c Sir mo 2..bangga kotse ko and i nid > cash! > INDAY: Aru!!! dugo-dugo gang ka noh! > SIR: Gaga! c Sir mo talaga to! > INDAY: Gago! c Sir ang tawag saken CUPCAKE!!!! > > Dalawang cra ulo.... > CRA1: Magaling ka na ba? > CRA2: Oo namn!!! > CRA1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng > flashlight ko? > CRA2: Ano ko cra? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt > mo?...e d > nalaglag pa > ko!!! > > > ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang > taong nangrape > sayo? > INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at > bungal... > SUSPEK: cge!!!!...mangasar ka pa!!!! > > > Dentist & Lover.... > Dentist: we have 2 stop seeing each other... halata > na tayo ng MR > mo. > Lover: but we love each other! > Dentist: oo nga...but were running out of > excuses....ISA NA LNG > IPIN > MO! > > > Anak: nay!!! my mens na ko! > Nay: ano kulay...aber? > Anak: dark brown nay! > Nay: lintik na bata to!!!! LBM yan!!! > hala..maghugas ka na ng pwet! > ambisyosong BAKLA to!!! > > > Sexy: Doc!! mainit pwet ko! > Doc: lagyan natin ng thermometer > Sexy: hiya ako e. > Doc: cge, off ko ilaw... > (in-off ilaw) > Sexy: Doc!!! hindi po pwet yan ha!!! > Doc: cge lang!!! di rin ito thermometer!!!! > > > Tatlong nagyayabngan na daga ... > Daga1: kakain ako ng keso na may rat-killer! > Daga2: ha!!! kakain ako ng keso sa mouse trap!!! > Daga3: tsk! tsk! tsk! manood kayo!!!! manrereyp ako > ng pusa!!! > > > > TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong > tenga? > BOY: hihina po pandinig ko. > TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga? > BOY: lalabo po paningin ko! > TEACHER: baket naman? > BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko. > > > 2 Patients are taking sperm count..... > (d nurse masterbates P#1 but sucksP#2) > While the nurse is doing the blow..... > P#1: Ba't blowjob sa kanya e samantalang sakin > handjob lang? > NURSE: CASH ito noh!.... sayo PHILHEALTH lang!!! > > > > > Dalawang magkaibigan nagtetext.... > PEPE: Tol! pasa load namn! 2pesos lang, my katx lng > me. > Tol: cge. w8 lng. > (message sent) > Pepe: Tnx tol! bait mo talaga! > Tol: Gago! wag ka na magtex! sayang ung pinasa ko > sayo!!! > Pepe: k. > > > GIRL: mag-69 tayo dear!! > BOY: pano un? > GIRL: ganito lang... > (pumuwesto na cla at biglang nautot ang girl ng 4 > times) > BOY: Ayoko na!!! D KO NA KAYA UNG NATITIRA PANG > 65!!!! > > > SON: dady...baket umuungol c mommy kagabi? my sakit > ba cya? > DAD: wala anak... happy lng cya. > SON: ibig sabihin, gabi-gabi cyang hapi kahit nung > nasa states ka > pa? > > > > ERAP: doc, i accidentally swallowed a chicken bone. > DOC: is it choking? > ERAP: it's max's. > DOC: i didnt mean chowking...i said, r u choking? > ERAP: no.. im serious! > > > YEAR 2005.... > Prosti 1: sa sobrang hirap ng panahon ngaun,kahit > 200 payag na ko. > Prosti 2: ako kahit 100..payag na! > Prosti 3: ako nga blowjob for free! may makain > lng!!! > > > > a priest lost a bird & asked during mass... > Priest: anyone got a bird? > all men stood up. > Priest: i mean, any1 seen a bird? > all women stood up. > Priest: i meant any1 seen my bird? > ...all nuns stood up > > > > ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng blowjob! > yahoo!!!! > DAD: wow! anak!...binata ka na!!!anong feeling? > ANAK: ang sakit po sa panga!!!! > > > After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa > organ ng > lalaki.... > BF: Gusto mo pa ulit? > GIRL: hindi..namimiss ko lng.......meron kc ako > nito dati e.... > > > a wife and husband fighting.... > Wife: inamo!!! > Husband: inamo rin!!! > Wife: tarantado! > Husband: tarantado ka rin!!! > Wife: gago!!! > Husband: gago ka rin!!! > Wife: SUPOT!!!! > Husband: ......un nga lng... > > > Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra... > Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo > e.. > Wife: (taas ang kilay) e baket ikaw nakabrief?!! > > > > Erap: lintek na ibon 2!! iniputan ako! > Bodyguard: sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper... > Erap: wag na!! pano mo pa mapupunasan un e nakalipad > na?! tanga!!! > bobo!!! > > > Arab interview at US immigration: > Q: ur name pls.. > A: abdul aziz > Q: sex? > A: twice a wik.. > Q: i mean male or female? > A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel... > > > > Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan > kong sulatan ang > sarili > ko... > Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo? > Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata > matatangap... > > > Jingoy: Dad, 22o bang may side effect ang viagra? > Erap: tanga! sa harap effect nyan hindi sa side!!!! > > > > Convict: father...4give me 4 i have sinned... > Pari: sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak. > Convict: father, pinatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa > diyos.kau ba > naniniwala > sa kanya? > Pari: CNO UN? > > > > GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. if u find me, papayag > akong makipag-sex > sayo... > BOY: e kung di kita makita? > GIRL: nasa likod lng ako ng piano... > > > GIRL: ang puti naman ng bird mo... > BOY: aba syempre ah!!! likas papaya ata gamit ko > jan!!! > GIRL: ginagamitan mo rin ba ng downy? > BOY: baket? bango ba? > GIRL: lambot e!!! > > > BINATA: mis, pede bang manligaw sayo? > DALAGA: at bakit?! may CRV ka ba? BMW? PAJERO? > EXPEDITION? > BINATA:!!! bakit?! ano ba yang PEKPEK mo!!!? PARKING > LOT?!!!!! > > > u wont beliv wat things > people do these days... > i was sitting nxt > 2 dis girl in church > & in the middle of the mass > she light a cigaret! > na-shock ako!!!!... > i almost drop my redhorse!!!!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, "Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem", the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment."
"Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die!"
"I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him. Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 stories and crushed the man. Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion.
So he announced, "Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next person came up.
The Angel said, "Before I can let you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem", said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this!"
"I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!"
"Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately."
"As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I think I like this new policy", he says to himself. "Okay", said the Angel to the second man. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
And he lets the man in. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates.
The Angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''
''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
